Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is the cutting edge relationship therapy that can heal and transform relationship bonds through the science of Attachment…

EFT is the cutting edge relationship therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson which uses the science of attachment to help couples strengthen their connection and transform their bond at a deep emotional level, perhaps in a way they never experienced before. It is now being shown to be effective for individuals and families as well. EFT is empirically validated and uses the science of attachment and what we know from brain research about bonding and emotion.

Attachment science shows us that, just as infants are wired to need one other person to be there completely there for them, to hear their cry, respond to their needs, and soothe them when they are in distress, so adults too (and all ages on the life-span) are wired to need one other person to be there completely for them. Our brains are made to be interdependent, to load-share with a safe other. We all need someone to lean in to, who can be there completely for us.

Sometimes couples (as well as parents, kids, siblings, family members, and individuals internally!) get stuck in negative cycles, repetitive patterns of interaction. Those negative cycles pull the worst out of us, leading us to respond to our partner in ways that terrify them and then the cycle pulls the response out of our partner that terrifies us and validates our own worst fear as well. 80% of all couples who are in distress get into what EFT calls "Pursue-Withdraw" cycles, where one partner pokes for connection (essentially saying through their poke, "Where are you??") but that poke can come across as criticizing and blaming, which then lands on the other partner in a way that makes them feel overwhelmed and flooded (because their partner is so incredibly important to them and they feel, through the criticism, that somehow they can't get it right and are inadequate). So the Withdrawer pulls back, goes quiet, perhaps even leaves the room. They don't want to make it worse and so hold in their flood of emotion, hoping it will calm down, so they can reconnect later. However, when they withdraw, the pursuing partner just sees them as walking away in their moment of distress. The Pursuer feels unimportant, which leads to further pain. Pursuers protect themselves from the pain by armoring up with anger, protest again with a poke, which leads to their partner withdrawing. The cycle becomes a tight, self-reinforcing feedback loop.

EFT sees that neither partner is the "bad guy" but rather the Negative Cycle is the bad guy, fueled by current unmet attachment needs, longings, and fears, along with raw spots from the past (including from the current and past romantic relationships, and childhood). Partners may inadvertently trigger each other's raw spots and launch them into a Negative Cycle. Negative Cycles can scare people into thinking that somehow they have lost their partner's heart, because of the walls that go up when cycles are raging. The reality is: it is BECAUSE they are so incredibly important to each other (the most important person on the planet to them, in fact!) that their partner's behavior lands on them as it does.

So, EFT helps couples:

• see their attachment significance to each other,

• start to learn what is going on in the dance (the negative cycle), with all of the tiny steps and counter steps (learning to identify and notice the dance when it gets raging), what fuels the dance and what is going on on the other side of the wall for their partner (the vulnerability and good intent underneath the armor and protective patterns),

• de-escalate the cycle (bringing some safety into the relationship),

• and then ultimately going in with deep bonding events to change their attachment connection (from insecure or avoidant) to earn a deep, secure attachment, a safe haven connection where they can feel at a very deep level to be on the same team and be there for each other no matter what.

EFT is an attachment-based, experiential therapy which has APA's Gold Standard as an empirically validated (and manualized) treatment. It has been shown to be

because it is developed based on how our brains are wired, as thinking, feeling, relational beings who connect at the level of emotion for the purpose of survival.  While cultures may teach varying messages about who may feel what and how much, the reality is that if we live, we breathe, we feel.  So EFT works for all peoples all around the world.  It has a huge base of research and science under it, has a short-term approach, and is the most effective couples therapy out there. 

Why is that?  EFT doesn't just help couples de-escalate their negative cycles (which is where most couples therapies stop), but EFT goes on to help couples process deep attachment injuries that got them stuck AND then create powerful new positive cycles that bond them together and inoculate them against future negative cycles. 

Since attachment style (which we originally get from our parents and how they parented us, which they get from how they were parented and their parents' attachment style, etc., back through the generations) is at the base of so much of how we feel about ourselves and the world and how we relate to others, there are huge implications. We get a second chance! Even if we didn’t get secure attachment earlier in life, through EFT with our most important relationship, we can finally experience how to get closeness and connection and earn the secure base, safe-haven connection for which we are all wired to long!

Interested?  Check out below!

Want to find an EFT Therapist for yourself? CLICK here to go to a Find A Therapist search. (It will initially take you to the Central Pennsylvania EFT Community, and it will also have links to other EFT therapists around the globe. There is one for you!)

Learn more about EFT…

Here are some excellent places to read more and watch a video clip about EFT!

• ICEEFT has an excellent description of EFT, along with information about it effectiveness, the research, and how it is now being used not only with couples but also with families and individuals: https://iceeft.com/what-is-eft/

• YouTube video by Dr. Sue Johnson:

www.drsuejohnson.com / www.iceeft.com Dr. Sue Johnson provides a brief summary of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the leading edge, empirically validated treatment, first developed for couples and now being used with individuals and families too!